My Favorite Status Updates of 2010

With some help from a nifty Facebook application, I’ve curiously perused each and every status update of mine during 2010.  My favorites take the form of pertinent quotes from literature, or songs (more often the latter), movie references, comments on tech-culture, as well as observations, revelations and half-witted proclamations of my own.  Some of these were ignored by the masses, others were commented on, argued over, and resulted in severed friendships.  Really.

For your entertainment, and mine, here are my own picks.

January

“Dear [snow]boarder girls:  I think it is hilarious that most of you have no idea how to get off a lift and fall giggling to the ground half the time before spending 10 min clicking in while I zip right by and spray snow all over the place.”

” …but have YOU heard EYWA?”

“I’m not entirely positive that I ever took the time out of my day to tell you the story of the ghost.”

“Guess I’ll watch the State of the Union on my brand new iPad.  Oh darn, it’s in Flash.”

February

“American Idol > Lost.”

“Can someone doppleganger me please?  Hey, thanks.”

“I got the peg leg at the end of my stump…..SHAKE YOUR RUMPaaaaaaaa”

March

“…might as well call it Tailgate-achusettes.”

“One of the worst things a person can go through is to realize, after speaking from the heart for some time, that they haven’t been listened to, and must repeat themselves with that terrible feeling of ‘Can they hear me now?'”

“jeese louise”

“you just gatta DO it”

April

“Meg and I are natural born world shakers”

“I found seven 7/16 wrenches while cleaning my car today.”

“Ray Dawn Balloon.”

“The Kraken was wasted and got a DUI.”

“What would Gray Powell do?”

“Facebook Status:  The contemporary equivalent to bumper-sticker activism.”

“OH SNAP!! “Perhaps Adobe should focus more on creating great HTML5 tools for the future, and less on criticizing Apple for leaving the past behind.
-Steve Jobs”

May

“Raisins ruin everything.”

“Shoulders do not belong under pillows.”

My iTunes playlists are organized by time of day or weather ie; morning, evening, snowy, rainy, sunny, after a long day…etc.  Every time I decide a new song fits well in a particular list, I remove one from that list and add the new one.  There.  Now you know my secret.  Use it well.”

“Josh Ritter thinks its cute to sell his new CD at Starbucks.”

“Hike+weather today = cold shower followed by cold beer and guitar on the back porch”

June

“to da moon, kid”

“Apple sells an iPad every 3 seconds.”

“I could get you a toe by 3:00 this afternoon…with nail polish.”

“I’ve blocked people for less.”

“Oh novice rowers – it’s so cute to hear you talk about playing music in the boat over the speakers as if it’s some revolutionary idea no one’s thought of before…”

“Saying BP has a public relations problem is like saying Hitler had a problem with the production quality of his propaganda films.”

“And here…we…GO”

“There’s nothing quite like a novice coming up to you after their first race saying ‘That was so much fun!!’  Especially when followed by ‘My arms are so sore!'”

“Shallow brooks are noisy.”

“…the mass of the people yield obedience to a select few; end when you see this select few, you perceive that though not of the lowest class, nor of an unrespectable class, that are yet of a heavy, sensible class – the last people in the world whom, if they were drawn up in a row, an immense nation would ever give exclusive preference.”

July

“You got beers, dude?”

“The life of an American student: If you sit in the library long enough, research starts to read itself, papers start writing themselves, and sooner or later you get up to do something, only to come back and see a scene of scattered documents, open books, closed books, pens, pencils, headphones, snacks and an empty Nalgene surrounding your laptop and you think to yourself…did I make this mess?”

“I live uptown…why, I don’t exactly know because I’m always downtown.”

“Saw a girl working out in the gym with w bikini top.  Does practicality outweigh trashiness?”

“I watch what kind of sodas people get at fountains and then judge them accordingly.”

“Homeward these shoes worn to paper; thin as the reason I left here so young.”

August

“Leave it on the water, baby.”

“Out there…they play to win.”

“There’s another new world at the top of the world for whoever can brave through the ice.”

“Novice sculler to coach:  Wait…so my LEGS should do the work?”

“A girl called me “ma’am” at the diner today…”

September

“Dear police officer screaming at me to get off the phone, your light is green.  You should pay attention.”

“There’s people always leaving just as other folks arrive.”

“A good indication of how serious I am at any given moment is how high up I’ve decided to lace my work boots.”

“In and out of focus, time turns elastic.”

“Find something positive, and be happy about it.  It’s really just that simple.”

October

“The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your arm.”

“Just generally grinding these days.  Just a casual grind.”

“The inches we need are everywhere around us.”

November

“Always fun to come home to 2 inches of water in the basement…”

“The TV newscast is an obsolete, closed, specialized, filtered, biased, ad-driven, outlandish, sensationalist and overtly dramatic form of news delivery that I believe will see a decline in popularity as more people turn to news that’s centered around facts instead of drama.”

“AIM was better than Facebook.”

“I mean, The Devil Wears Prada is a good movie…”

“Question everything but most of all question the intelligence of people that question everything.”

December

“Going to bed always feels like quitting.”

“Go, and beat your cray head against the sky.”

“Barnes & Noble has failed me every single time I’ve tried to be a patron of theirs.”

“If Facebook Check-Ins outnumber status, photo, and link posts on your wall you need to ditch Facebook and use Foursquare, Gowalla, or one of those.  Seriously.”

“Some of these days just cut right through you.”

“I…..dropped the screw……in the tuna!!!!”

“I’d like to remind you to diversify your bonds.”

And that’s it!!

Here’s to 2011 and more pertinent song quotes, brilliant revelations of meaningless minutia, and subjective hilarity!

Don’t Hassle The Zuck

Recently,  Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg gave what he thought would be a simple interview with two of today’s most prominent tech journalists.  It wasn’t so simple.

[Full video of Zuckerberg’s interview with D8]

Walt Mossberg and Kara Swisher questioned the 26-year-old entrepreneur as if he was a suspected serial killer with ties to the mafia running for president, resulting in an uneasy, odd, and downright painful display of what the interviewers seemed to think were tough, hard-hitting questions.  And yet, at the end of the day, most folks seem to be criticizing Zuckerberg for seeming nervous, and not answering the questions directly.

What a joke.

In the first place, it is absolutely inexcusable to be excessively critical of any aspect of Facebook be it privacy issues, or….umm…oh yeah….that’s the only issue people have come up with so far…

Why can’t you be excessively critical?  As I’ve said before: Because Facebook is free, voluntary, and asks absolutely nothing of you.  It repeats only what you say.  It publishes only what you submit.  If you don’t like it, quit.

This doesn’t mean we can’t have qualms with layout, controls, design, privacy, or whatever.  That’s just being critical.  But to grill the company’s CEO on privacy in front of a huge audience, and broadcast it live, online to millions of viewers…well…that’s taking it a bit too far.  I’m just not very interested in what Mark has to say on the subject.  I don’t care how popular Facebook is – it’s free, and totally voluntary.  You lose nothing by not having a Facebook account.  It’s a novelty.

It’s like inviting the developers of Farmville onto CNN and asking them if they think they’re negatively contributing to the cultural development of our species by producing an ultimately pointless game that retracts time and energy from causes like world hunger, poverty, and genocide.

I think the folks at Farmville would have a tough time answering questions like that too, and come back with a response akin to ‘Umm…we just make games…’  Meanwhile the media would analyze the interview, calling the developers poorly spoken, young, arrogant pin heads with no sense of worldliness or culture.

And then there’s the hoodie incident.
Here’s what happened: Mark got nervous and sweaty as he realized just how serious the interviewers were becoming with their questions, and when he went to remove his hoodie, Kara noticed the fancy insignia on the inside, awkwardly snatched it up and showed it to the crowd. Here’s the graphic:

As Mark attempted to explain that it was a company hoodie, and a company logo outlining Facebook’s mission, Kara bawked that it seemed “cultish” and “looked as if it belonged to the Illuminati“.  Meanwhile, Zuckerberg seemed to hide his embarrassed face, and the crowd pandered to Kara’s loud, ignorant, stupid comments.

And THAT’S what made the tech news the few days following the event… not that Kara Swisher is an obnoxious, self-indulgent, unfunny idiot..no no..what made news is that Zuckerberg choked the interview by sweating so much that he had to take off his hoodie.  And not only that, by accidentally revealing the symbol he has revealed a coded master plan of Facebook and we all need to be afraid of it because it’s going to kill us.  The internet became flooded with curt, ignorant analysis like this one.

Kara Swisher seems to have the professionalism, and humility of a high school girl on prom night.

But there’s more.

When Zuckerberg remarked that he was getting warm and he may need to lose the hoodie Kara also told him that there were women in the audience who would love for him to do that.

Could we be any less professional?

This is why Zuck doesn’t do these big interviews…people take him way too seriously.  He’s a laid back college kid who had an idea.  400 million people joined his free, voluntary club, and now 40 thousand or so (that’s 1% for those that are keeping score) are telling him his free, voluntary club sucks.  And here we have two of the country’s most prominent tech journalists trying to stick up for that 1%, really just reducing themselves to the level the loud, ignorant 1% of end users that any smart CEO would promptly ignore.

How would you react?

Swiftly?  Quickly?  Probably not.

He doesn’t owe anyone anything.

Interviewing Mark Zuckerberg with questions on privacy is a bigger waste of time than Ringo Starr’s song writing.

Don’t Judge a [Face]book By Its Cover

If you do not have a Facebook account and are complaining about one of a plethora of things that have recently become quite trendy to complain about, please shut up and go away. It’s not your battle. As a matter of fact, it isn’t a battle at all.

If you do happen to be a Facebook user, and have also succumb to the vogue that is ridiculing Zuckerberg’s notorious kin, please delete your account (preferably on May 31, which happens to be my birthday!)

Then shut up and go away.

To sum it up, here are the main tenants of the most recent complaints:

Do any amount of reading about any one of these popular complaints, and you will discover that there is only one real issue: privacy.  Thus, I refer you to the following brilliantly written article entitled Facebook Privacy?  Who Cares? (it’s long, skim through later when you’re bored)

I submit, as did Mr. Cuban, that the Facebook privacy issues are none other than trendy headlines, and bandwagons for a generation that had no Woodstock to jump onto faster than you deleted (or at least stopped using) your MySpace account.

No, we don’t really care about how our data is shared any more than we care about identical privacy issues in our non-digital lives.  And let’s not forget that this is an optional service that posts or shares only what you feed to it.

“How dare this free, voluntary service not live up to my own personal, rigorous standards!”

It’s time for personal responsibility to trump issues like this.  It’s time for the complainers to decide how they really feel about Facebook, and do something about it.  Most of all, it’s time to stop giving Facebook so much credit, whether positive or negative.  Facebook isn’t insensitive and irresponsible, people are.  We’re flawed.  Sorry.  I mean, is this really Facebook’s fault?

But the sooner we become comfortable with whose fault it really is, the sooner we can all update our statuses and spread the word.